I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
