why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I want a musical about memes.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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