haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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