K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
