my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
