The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
