I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
