i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
