Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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