its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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