Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
