How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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