if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
