All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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