don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
