maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
