she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
