This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
wow bdsm is so cute
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
