someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
