I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
