This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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