she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
