i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
