Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
