the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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