I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
