I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
