I swear she didn't look like that last week.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
