Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
