you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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