jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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