she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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