and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
