she woke up with a sticky ear
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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