guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
