Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
