i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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