I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Randomize
