thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
