Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
