Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
