I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
