My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
