my phone needs a breathalizer
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
