it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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