i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
