I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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