They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
