I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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