you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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