I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
